Why Dream

I’m still having these dreams, dreams that seem to be searching for something, trying to figure something out. They often center on this one person, but somehow I don’t think the dreams are actually about her. I think it’s something deeper, an issue that was raised, or a truth that was revealed. I think about these dreams, and I write about them. Maybe these activities help me get closer to their meaning, but I don’t feel like they do. It seems like each time I have one of these dreams it stirs up something, shakes me up a little. I say to myself “Oh, I’ll examine this and find some clarity from it!” and then as I look at it and try to contemplate what message it holds I just become more confused, more baffled by the whole thing. I’m certainly not preoccupied with her consciously. I wonder what the dreams mean, but I also wonder why I even have them.

It could be that we are not meant to understand our dreams. Maybe the meaning, like the dream itself, is so shrouded in symbolism and metaphor that it defies any rational conscious interpretation. Perhaps only the subconscious mind can understand dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I’m better off when I don’t remember my dreams. I often think I’d be better off if I could just completely forget about her. But still I have these dreams, and memories.

A friend would say, “Get over it”. But I don’t want to get over it. I want to be through with it. Some of my friends don’t even want to talk about it. I think those are the smart ones. When I mention that I had another dream about her they quickly change the subject. It’s hard to work through these things alone, hard for me, anyway. But I understand. It becomes a little bit touchy, politically, because everybody knows everybody, and people talk. So then I write about it in my blog, which maybe no one reads, and certainly no one talks about. And even here I side step the details…the names have been changed to protect the innocent…but the who’s and where’s and when’s are not the point anyway, because obviously my real is question is “why?”.

Why am I still having these dreams? Maybe the answer is because I still haven’t figured out why I’m having these dreams. Why do I write about them? That’s easy: because nobody wants to talk about them. Why not talk about them? Because no one else cares to answer the question of why, and they all already know all the “who’s and where’s and when’s”.

In my most recent dream she was crying, and I didn’t know why.

Should I examine how these dreams make me feel? The definitions of emotions can be elusive for me. They are so often a complex blend. In this dream I think I was feeling confused and maybe a little helpless. I didn’t know her reason for crying. I wanted to reach out and touch her. I wanted to make her feel better. Even more, I wanted to understand her feelings. In the dream she had her back to me. That’s all I remember.

Perhaps I’ll never know what happened between us. Maybe that’s what these dreams are about. I think I’m still asking myself why things didn’t work out. I want to accept what was, and what is, and move on, but I feel like I can’t. I think that this quandary is affecting my ability to have a relationship now. I don’t think anyone can help me. Not even “her”. I guess I’ll just keep having these dreams until I stop having them. Maybe then the answers will become clear. Maybe the dreams are not meant to bring answers but instead to identify the questions. Maybe questions don’t always need answers to be meaningful. Maybe someday I’ll accept the fact that sometimes there is no reason why.