Rest in peace Mike Kemp

The Fireplace

My Mom on YouTube

Scrooge is back!

It seemed, a couple of years ago, that I might be coming around to embrace the "Christmas Spirit". Then I got a job in retail. Scrooge is back my friends.

I hate Christmas. I have always hated Christmas. Since going into retail sales I passionately deplore Christmas. You couldn't get me into a mall in December if you tied me to a sled drawn by a dozen reindeer led by Rudolf himself.

Ever notice how people drive in December? I'd bet money (if I had any) that statistically December yields more fender-benders in mall parking lots than at any other time of year. Talk about aggressive parking spot acquisition tactics! On the streets and highways there's a palatable aggression too... "Get outta my way I 'cause there's only 10 shopping days left and I got to get to the mall!" I'd stay off the roads completely if I could.

I hate Christmas music even more than Christmas itself. Worst still are when advertisers use Christmas songs with altered lyrics. I don't turn on my TV in December because I know no one is buying me a new TV for Christmas, so I can't afford to smash the one I have.

Sometimes people give me stuff, and then I have to feel bad because I didn't get them anything. But I don't feel too bad because no one gets me anything I really want anyway. It's not just that I have no time to shop and even less money. It's not just that I won't go into a mall. It's not even the fact that I'm actually a thoughtless bastard. It's because the real history of the "Christmas giving tradition" makes me sick! About a hundred years ago the Hallmark Company along with the Coca Cola Company conspired to invent this "holiday tradition" of shameless consumerism and through clever marketing (read Santa Clause) convinced everyone that they should buy gifts and cards for everyone they know. Fuck that. My holiday tradition is to thank God I survived another year, plan on how to survive the next, and most importantly to spend some quality time with my family and friends, because ya never know, and this could be my last Christmas on Earth. One hour with a loved one is worth more than all the Whos in Whoville, and certainly worth more than anything anyone could buy at the mall.

My wife has fancied herself a Wiccan, and so this year it's not Christmas, it's Yule.
The traditions are largely the same, since the early Christians stole most of the traditions of Christmas from ancient Pagan rituals. This does sit a little bit better with me. Throw another Yule log on the fire.

Here's an idea for a worthwhile tradition, how about peace and good will ALL YEAR LONG, including December. I'd go for that.

Christmas? Bah Humbug. Send Santa back to the ad agency artist's drawing board. I'm going old school. It's Yule. You wanna give me something? Pay me a visit. I'll reciprocate by spiking your eggnog.

Cheers, and happy Yule to all!

Chiquita With Frisbee

A public service announcement from your friends at umour.org

Too Good To Be True Streetwalkers of San Francisco

I did this piece a few years ago. It was not a good time in my life. When I came back from my work in El Paso with Ministry I was pretty jaded. I hadn't had a steady girlfriend in over two years. The only women I did "take comfort in" during my time in El Paso were strippers and whores. After my return to NY I hooked up with The Men Of Sterling, and I did "The Sterling Men's Weekend" which was very misogynistic. Shortly thereafter I began dating a woman who lived in NYC. It was just one of those things. One day after a bad date (I think it may have been our last) I was on my way from NYC back home to Poughkeepsie on the train. I had recently been told by my friend Joe about this collection of images of San Francisco streetwalkers being sold on eBay. Joe had coincidently introduced me to the woman I'd been dating. I clipped all the shots from the eBay page. There were a couple of dozen in all, presented as a sampling of the book being auctioned, which contained hundreds. I had my laptop computer with me on the train and I was looking at the pictures. I was also listening to music, using iTunes in random shuffle. The Benny Goodman Quartet was among the items in the play-list and “Too Good To Be True” happened to play while I looked at the pictures. I started to laugh out loud. The images are so demeaning, some of those women are truly horrifying. The Benny Goodman tune with Helen Ward’s vocal is so sublime, her delivery so wonderfully mirthful. The lyric is such a stark contrast to the life of a streetwalker. It was just so profoundly and perfectly wrong. I immediately began an iMovie session and assembled the whole collection of images into a slide show with the tune and was done with it by the time my train reached the Poughkeepsie station.

I agree that the film seems somber, maybe even a bit mean spirited in a way. Making it definitely stroked my "He-Man Woman-Hater" bone. Like I said, I was pretty jaded at the time. But it is interesting to think about those women and what their lives might have been like, and what the world was like back then. Its also interesting to think of the ways the world has changed, and all the ways it hasn’t. I think it’s a good film because it does make you think. I think its Umour because it makes you feel somewhat uneasy.